Another Story

So, in my last post I alluded to “another story”. Well, this story is really more of a question. It’s about the phrase, “move in ready”. I guess I don’t know what that is, exactly. Is it just a phrase? Or a description? Is it tossed around by unscrupulous real estate folks that hope to sell primarily to the blind? I’m not sure.

Our house was purchased via the interweb. I wouldn’t say sight unseen, because I saw pictures on Realtor.com and Zillow. I didn’t notice 4 months ago when I picked the house out that the realtor had posted a lovely description of the house at the bottom of the page. I’m glad I didn’t read it until a few days ago, or it may have angered me enough to call her and ask her what the fuck does move in ready mean to you? I’m sure on some level it has a different connotation to many folks.

I’ll tell you what it doesn’t mean, assuming of course, that you are selling the house to sighted people with hands and olfactory senses.

Let’s talk about the doorknobs. I have looked at a lot of things in this house and wanted to call the family that lived here last if they know what happened. It looks like, and this is just a guess, their 3 boys took a power tool to every doorknob in the entire house and made a hole in the center of each one, with extremely sharp, jagged shards of twisted metal in the perfect spot to slice your hand open, should you decide to open or close the door by the lethal knobs. I don’t consider that, move in ready. We replaced all the knobs.

Now the interior door to the garage. Its metal, I’m sure expensive, because it has to keep the cold out. And maybe a battering ram. But that expensive, battering-ram-proof door was no match for the 3 boys that last lived here. Perhaps it was the family before them, but I doubt it. It is not just dented; it has 50 dents. I counted them. I will again assume; the little darlings used the poor battering-ram-proof door for target practice. I am not a gun person, but it looks like the sort of spray a sawed-off shotgun would produce.

A blind person would probably love this 4-story house, except for the missing handrails on every staircase and man-eating doorknobs. A blind person wouldn’t see the bender board, usually reserved for the express use in landscaping, repurposed as indoor bedroom baseboards. Hmmmm, move in ready, I don’t think so. But at least a blind person wouldn’t mind cooking in the dark. For some reason, there was zero light over the stove. The ugly light over the peninsula was behind the cook, so your shadow blocked any light from reaching the stove. That has been rectified. I can now see what I am cooking. The bender board is going away next week.

For you dog lovers out there, you know how your dog will roll around on any dead animal or disgusting anything. Well, one of my little stink-loving dogs rolls around in the same spot on the carpet in one of the guest rooms. I think something died there, cuz it smells really weird and he frickin loves that spot. It too will be going away next week.

There is more, but I’d like to say, I have enjoyed all the improvements we have made to this house. Poor Jim is now a floor-stenciling expert, thanks to my interest in Pinterest! Painting sad tile floors is about a zillion dollars cheaper than retiling them, unless you compare retiling to divorce. Then retiling is the way to go.

I am really starting to fall in love with my fixer upper, also known as, move in ready.

I want to send this story to the real estate agent that had the temerity to call this house, move in ready. She must have left the state.

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